Oh! . . . What a Relief It Is!

That sudden wind you felt yesterday was the collective sigh of relief from fans coast to coast. The NFL lockout is over.

The United States might still be under the Atlantic Ocean in debt, and unlike any responsible person, can’t settle on a workable budget. But there will be football! The specter of global terrorism continues to loom. But yes, boys and girls, there will be NFL football. Gas prices might continue to soar, unemployment remains at alarming levels, and some states are virtually bankrupt – but hooray, we’ll be able to watch NFL football!

But what does it really mean? Well, bookies and gambling establishments will resume bang-up business. Moribund office pools will be revived. Men can revert to boys as they compete in their little fantasy football contests.

Networks with billions of dollars already committed in NFL TV commercials can reap their riches. The Peyton Mannings, Troy Polamalus and others will again collect their endorsement checks. The Terrelle Owenses and Ochocincos will perform their foolish antics for another year.

The rise in national obesity will continue as folks desperately in need of exercise remain anchored to their recliners and couches, except for occasional forays to the refrigerator and quick trips to the potty. In the process, marriage relationships will virtually be put on hold until next February.

Inner city youths can continue to ignore the value of education while dreaming about being among the fraction of 1% of young men that even get a hint of NFL glory. Many with athletic prowess will advance to universities not thirsting for knowledge, but only to bide their time while waiting to move to “the next level.” They will, however, diligently practice saying, “Hi, Mom,” from the sidelines.

And perhaps best of all, with all the NFL news to catch up on, sports media will finally cease rehashing the supposed wickedness and deceitfulness of the Ohio State Buckeyes. (At least OSU did them a favor and helped fill many boring days during the spring and early summer.)

Was there really any doubt the NFL season would be saved? The players could only hold out for so long. When you acquire champagne taste, it’s hard surviving on a Kool-Aid budget. And everyone loves the NFL, don’t they? If the lockout had continued, both the President and Congress would have intervened.

They might not be able to reach consensus on how to run the country, but we must have our football. Says so right there in the Constitution – somewhere! (Doesn’t it?)

Yup, before long we’ll be answering the question we’ve longed to hear: “Are you ready for some football?”

Money, Sex and Power

Americans are fascinated by violence. Crime dramas consistently rank high in TV ratings. News shows typically lead with mayhem and tragedy. So is it any wonder one of the primary appeals of the National Football League is its weekly menu of violent collisions?

This week league officials have begun taking steps to curtail the inevitable consequences of mass plus force plus speed, first by levying large fines and second by threatening suspensions to offenders of rules designed to protect opposing players.

The problem is, horrific impacts are a big part of the NFL’s phenomenal appeal. Along with money – countless millions of dollars at stake through gambling and fantasy leagues, and sex – scantily clad cheerleaders stationed along sidelines for whatever purpose, the sheer power of muscled athlete crashing into muscled athlete has captivated the American male psyche. ESPN used to have a feature, “Jacked-Up,” that replayed the week’s most violent tackles. Will the NFL’s appeal remain as strong if it becomes a safer, gentler sport?

It could be argued the popularity of NASCAR, which grew steadily for a couple of decades, began to decline when it began imposing stringent safety measures after the tragic death of Dale Earnhardt, along with other drivers. Races still feature spectacular wrecks, but the macabre link with death has been virtually eliminated. Perhaps in the minds of some observers, if there’s no real danger, where’s the fun?

This isn’t to say the NFL shouldn’t step up to protect players from ferocious hits that could leave them being permanently maimed, even killed. No amount of compensation can offset disabilities – immediate or delayed – or loss of life.

But if the “greatest hits,” the ones that evoke the ooh’s and ahh’s from voyeuristic viewers, are subtracted from the equation, will the NFL sustain its attraction? Only time will tell.

Give Me Reality, Not Fantasy!

When I was a boy, we played several fantasy-type sports games – dice baseball, with numbers on the dice representing hits and outs; another game in which you placed cards of Hall of Fame baseball players over a spinner; and a vibrating, electric football game that literally shook the miniature players up and down the field.

I’ve never played “fantasy football,” but last week witnessed firsthand what it involves. That happened to be the night my alma mater, Ohio State, was opening its season against Marshall and I went to a local sports bar where fellow Buckeye fans here in Chattanooga often gather to share in the thrill of victory.

Our accustomed long table in front of the big TV screen, however, had been absconded by a group of fantasy football fanatics. I know they were fanatics because they each clutched stacks of paper containing team rosters and statistics from last year, and were also armed with laptops for collecting and correlating other relevant performance data.

Judging by the intensity and somberness of this group, you might have thought these people were negotiating a world peace agreement, or at least a hostile takeover of Microsoft, rather than forming make-believe football teams.

I admit to being miffed because their presence relegated many of us Buckeyes to a far corner of the restaurant, out of sight of the big screen, but had to wonder about the many hours these fantasy devotees were investing on the startup of an annual but essentially inconsequential pastime.

Perhaps these gridiron dreamers had visions of winning big bucks at season’s end, but it seemed like a strange way to spend time. Of course, I do my own things to consume time in silly ways. But at least they don’t deprive ardent OSU fans from enjoying the big screen!